Explore our library of powerful dating tips, articles and advice columns written by our Date Camp coaches and discover how to date successfully.
Chris Natzke, Self-Confidence and Strength Coach
Let’s face it, relationships make the world go around.
Each day we are affected by the relationships we have created in our lives. These are relationships with family, friends, co-workers, bosses, children and significant others. Although we can perceive the “having” of quality relationships with others as the most important aspect of our lives, I would argue that the most important relationship we can have is with ourselves.
In my work with clients who are seeking romantic relationships, I always ask “What are the qualities you’re seeking in a partner?” The answer to this question usually has my clients wanting someone in their lives who will be loving, patient, generous, light hearted and adventurous.
As we continue our discussion, I find that many times they are searching for these qualities in a partner not because they see them as a reflection of what is already inside of themselves but because they are looking for someone else to “complete” them. They believe the only way to feel more whole, happy and complete is by having another person in their life provide this for them.
We live in world where “like attracts like.” Have you ever noticed that when you are at your most frazzled and anxious that you continue to attract instances in your life that give you the opportunity to choose between demonstrating patience or impatience? The crazy guy in traffic, the slow moving cashier at the grocery store, the crying child all provide us instances that test our patience. If only those people or circumstances would change, you would feel so much better. I’m here to tell you, the only way those instances will change in your life is if you change yourself first, by choosing to be more patient, regardless of the circumstances that appear in your life.
The same goes for dating and finding the relationship of your dreams. If you want to attract someone who is loving, kind and giving toward you, you first need to be that way to yourself! Trust me, it’s like a magnet, if you begin to truly embrace those qualities within yourself, not only will you recognize your wholeness and completeness, just the way you are, but you will begin to share those qualities with the world around you, and, in return, attract the kind of person who resonates with that same energy.
Relationships are an “inside job.” That doesn’t mean you don’t take actions like dating, taking care of your physical appearance and making yourself available for a relationship. What it means is that you come from that way of being inside yourself to attract what you want in a romantic partnership. Trust me, it works! And if it doesn’t, at least you’ll be in love with the person you’ll be living with for the rest of your life, regardless of the circumstances – YOU.
Chris Natzke is a 7th Degree Black Belt/Master Instructor as well as a U.S. National Champion (1999). He teaches leadership and self protection seminars. Contact Chris at chris@chrisnatzke.com.
Danae Shanti, Mind/Body/Spirit Coach
Let’s face it, there’s a lot to sort through. We are multifaceted people with depth, dimension and a whole range of personalities, styles and preferences. The more successful dates happen when we know who we are and what we want. Think of this is a screening process.
It’s empowering to know who we are and what we want. This clarity creates confidence and direction, and that in itself is a gift to us and to prospective dates.
Let’s take Susan for example. Susan knew she was ready for the “real deal.” Her goal was to meet a man who could match her passion for the arts, share in her world travel adventures and engage in sophisticated, gala events.
Susan knew she valued spiritual ideals as well as family. She also knew that having children wouldn’t be on her agenda for another 7 years. Her past experiences with men who were “nesting” types helped her learn that her direction didn’t match the men of that lifestyle.
When Susan received a “high-level match” from the dating service she was very excited. She first noticed how attractive Ben was. She liked his communication style and his sense of humor. His age and geographical location all met her qualifications. He was sweet, smooth and debonair. He also had traveled the world and followed a spiritual path.
With great anticipation, Susan read more about Ben, and learned that he was an organic gardener and beekeeper. His roots and stability were important to him, and he had had his fill of world travel. Ben wanted to start a family within a couple of years, stay home and share his cozy lifestyle with his beloved.
Susan felt that old familiar feeling of wanting to contact Ben “just in case” it would be different in person than what she’d read. She noticed that inclination and asked herself an important question, “Do I want to try and change this person to meet my agenda, or do I trust in myself that I know what I want and where I’m heading and let this match go?”
Over the past five years, Susan had learned to truly value herself. She had become clear on who she was and what she wanted, and these things for her were non-negotiable. Her clarity about staying with her plan outweighed her propensity for romanticizing this potential connection. By making this choice she honored herself and didn’t waste Ben’s time. She let the match go and moved on.
Any of us could be in Susan’s shoes. Sometimes the wish for love and partnership can pull us off of our trajectory. The difficulty with getting distracted is that the core things we value will surface after a time, they always do.
By being clear about what matters most to her, Susan is sure to meet a man who aligns with her energy naturally, and, overall, this will be great for both parties involved.
Before entering the dating realm it’s good for us to complete a personal inquiry. Susan stayed true to herself and so can we. The following eight questions are guideposts and may inspire a deeper inquiry to help us get to know who we are and what we want relative to ourselves and dating:
1) What am I most passionate about and committed to?
2) What are my spiritual or religious beliefs and do I need someone to share these beliefs?
3) Do I believe in myself and trust myself in guiding my own life?
4) Am I flexible in my thinking or committed to an agenda already in place for my life?
5) Have I completed on past relationships or is there more closure work to do?
6) What are my emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, sexual and overall lifestyle needs?
7) Do I want children in my life, and, if so, how and when?
8) Do I want to be with someone similar to me or different?
Many of us have to learn to take stock in ourselves, it doesn’t necessarily come automatically. We all have inner critics as well as inner champions, and these impact they way we perceive ourselves and influence whether or not we feel loveable and valuable.
Getting to know ourselves intimately is a primer for getting to know another person. If we come to a connection as self-resourced adults then there is less attachment to trying to get our needs met through someone else. There is also more enjoyment in receiving someone for whom they truly are without our hidden agendas for them.
Dating is an adventure with many flavors to it. If we are open to it, we can feel ourselves in relationship to another soul, and sense whether a connection has true potential or not.
When we are self-resourced, we have the space to do a screening process before agreeing to meet with someone. If we still feel a desire to meet them, then we have the capacity to really receive them in who they are because we’re not hoping to be “completed” by them. Instead, we’re focused on the amazing fullness that can happen when two people who know who they are and what they want come together.
When the path is clear and expectations are reasonable, each person can enjoy the dating experience for the gifts that it brings, just the way it is.
Danae Shanti is a conscious intuitive coach and founder of Breathing Life Events, a program that uses breath for personal and professional breakthroughs. Contact Danae at danae@TheBreathingLife.com.
Jalynn Venis, Personal and Intuitive Development Coach
Are you dating someone new and wondering what your friends will think of him or her? Do you tell close friends about this person’s eccentricities and behaviors to see how the judges rule? Are your friends truly a good gauge of who should be in your life?
Friends are great for many things, but when it comes to making very personal decisions, it’s time you developed an underused ability called intuition. That’s right, say hello to your intuitive self.
What does it mean to be intuitive? Simply that you have other ways of gathering information than by working solely with your five basic physical senses to collect data through sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. Scientists have identified more senses that we all possess, but intuition wasn’t acknowledged as a subtle sense until the latter part of the 20th century. Today, intuitive studies are offered at some universities and highly specialized educational organizations.
Mona Lisa Schulz, a medical doctor and intuitive, defines the “sixth sense” of intuition as the “capacity to make a correct decision with insufficient information.” Intuition is an innate sensory ability, but, as with any other ability, it must be developed to become a useful skill.
Albert Einstein, Time Magazine’s Person of the 20th Century, used his intuitive abilities to develop the theories and mathematical equations that radically changed our understanding of physics and the nature of the universe. According to Einstein, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift, and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” But Einstein never forgot the contribution that intuition made to his life. “The really valuable thing,” he said, “is intuition.”
We all use our intuitive (sometimes called psychic) sense everyday, usually in unintentional ways. Have you ever had a “gut feeling” about someone or something that later proved true? Did you ever find yourself thinking about someone, only to run into that person in a store or get a phone call from that individual later in the day? Perhaps you recall getting an answer to a problem through a dream or dreaming about something that later happened.
Intuitive hits like those mentioned above are just some of the common and natural ways our intuition informs us. When you begin to regard yourself as intuitive and seek ways to activate your intuitive ability intentionally, wonderful things happen. You find you have access to information and wisdom beyond your experience. Your awareness of others grows. You find yourself acting on the intuitive information you receive and flowing with events rather than resisting them.
There are many benefits to asking things of your intuition and acting on the information you receive. You gain a sense of connection to everyone and everything. You develop an expanded ability to process information and an increased sense of ease in dealing with the little twists and turns of life. Living becomes less stressful and more joyful.
And, perhaps most importantly, you gain a finely tuned sense of whether someone is right for you.
Jalynn Venis is a writer, television producer, intuitive explorer, and the executive director of Date Camp. She has coached individuals and company employees in personal development. You can reach her at jalynn@jalynnvenis.com.
Joanna Kennedy, Intimacy Coach
Let’s get intimate with intimacy today. This is one of my favorite relationship topics to explore with men and women. We have so many ideas about what intimacy means and how much of it we want or don’t want in our lives. Sometimes we think we want it, or even seem to crave it, and at the same time, some part of us, usually unconsciously, pushes intimacy away. This dynamic commonly plays out in our dating life. When meeting prospective partner or lover, we can wonder inside our head, “How intimate should I be? How soon?”
What does intimacy really mean? Over the years I’ve heard many definitions, and some of them have deeply resonated with me while others seemed to fall short. The simple definition of intimacy I use is: I am intimate with you when I reveal a part of myself that I wouldn’t ordinarily reveal to the average person on the street. With that being said, intimacy can happen on many different levels. It can happen physically, emotionally, even spiritually. And, here’s the piece that I think catches most people by surprise: Intimacy doesn’t require two people to be intimate! Intimacy only requires one person to be intimate. Intimacy does not require the other person to be intimate with you in order for both of you to have experienced intimacy. We may desire that, but it’s not required. So in dating, you get to choose when and how you want to be intimate. You can even choose to initiate!
Have you ever witnessed someone share something from deep within their heart or had someone share a secret dream with you or an old hurt? These are powerful moments. I know I’m about to experience great intimacy with someone when they say, “I’ve never said this before,” or “I rarely tell anyone this.” Wow. What a blessing!
Here’s another common explanation of intimacy that always serves as a simple reminder for me. Intimacy means in-to-me-you-see. I let you see into me. It also means in-to-me-I-see because I must look inside myself to find my true thoughts and feelings before I can authentically share them with you and really let you see me. If I let you see inside me, we have experienced intimacy. Intimacy can be shared by close friends, lovers, even complete strangers. And it can absolutely happen with our clothes on!
A common myth about intimacy arises when we believe we don’t have control over it. We do. We are in full control of whether we experience intimacy as it is inherently defined by our choice to let someone else in, to let them see us. Some of us think it requires another person to open up before we can open up. It’s simply not true. When we open up and share ourselves, then we have intimacy. Years ago I used to complain that the men I dated just weren’t being intimate, but it was me who wasn’t being intimate! I wasn’t sharing myself and I was asking them to do what I wasn’t willing to do first.
How intimate are you willing to be?
Before we close, let’s look at one more perspective on intimacy that I love. In reading the book Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch, I found his definition of intimacy intriguing:
Intimacy = Exposure
This is exactly what I’ve been describing here. When we reveal or expose ourselves, we are intimate. Brandon Bays, a spiritual teacher of mine, describes spiritual freedom like this:
Freedom = Exposure
So by simple mathematics (who would have thought about math in a conscious relating article!), if intimacy = exposure and freedom = exposure, then by definition:
Intimacy = Freedom
If you’ve been concerned about losing your freedom and autonomy in a relationship, intimacy is the answer. If you are fully intimate – fully authentic – in your dating and romantic relationships, you will automatically experience the deepest and truest freedom available to you.
You might even say the following sentence to yourself, “I will experience spiritual freedom when I am fully intimate with everyone I meet. In other words, if I stop hiding, stop pretending and authentically share myself, I can be nothing other than free.”
If you’ve been seeking freedom in your life, give intimacy a chance!
Joanna Kennedy and the Center for Greater Loving offer a variety of one-on-one private sessions and products focused on conscious intimacy, love and sexuality. Visit www.greaterloving.com for all the details. You can reach Joanna at Joanna@greaterloving.com.
... Love makes life worth living. But finding the right person to love and share an intimate relationship with is the tricky part.
... The typical approach to finding
love starts with dating. Despite the importance of this quirky human ritual, there’s no training that prepares us
to be thrown into the dating pool...
until now!
